If This Callus Could Talk

I was moving my index finger back and forth from the tip of  Dr. W’s index finger to the tip of my nose—a rote task in a neurological exam—when Dr. W. caught my right wrist and asked, “What’s the story behind this?”

There was a callus between my thumb and forefinger.  “I got that kayaking.”

The story of the kayak trip is more than the story behind the callus. It’s the story behind my marriage. That’s my husband’s take on it, anyway.

The weekend before our twenty seventh anniversary, my husband and I decided to venture out to the west side of Cincinnati to kayak. We decided against the familiar lakes, with their predictable views, and opted instead to rent from an unfamiliar kayak outfit on the Miami River. Perhaps we didn’t read the description of the activity too carefully—or at all.  On arrival, I overheard my husband ask, “How will we know we are at the turning point?” I didn’t linger for the answer. I was heading for the Porto Potty. I figured my husband would receive all the information we’d need.

A very nice older man drove us to the launching area. A very nice younger man set us up with a two person kayak and two life jackets. And we set off down the Miami River.

The kayaking was bliss. Blue sky. Bird song. We spotted a Great Blue Heron, my favorite. I marveled at how easy it was for my husband and I to kayak together, how adept we were at paddling, how in sync in both movement and observation. The weather was cool for the first time all summer. We wouldn’t have to worry about overheating triggering my MS symptoms. As time went on, I took off my life jacket to ensure I wouldn’t overheat. My husband started splashing my neck. We laughed. We rowed.  We saw a bridge ahead. We knew we had two bridges to cross under before the end of the route. I was getting warmer. I asked for a swig of water. Not five minutes later, I had to pee.

An observant reader may be perplexed: didn’t Ms. Lab Rat just use the Porto Potty three paragraphs ago? What’s the deal with her having to pee? Is it MS, is it old age, is it childbirth? Maybe it’s all three.

In any case, we didn’t know how much distance was left between Bridge One and the turning point. We decided we’d reached our own turning point.  It was time to head back.

As soon as we dipped in our oars, we discovered that paddling upstream would be much more rigorous than we’d imagined while paddling downstream. We briefly wondered why the kayak outfit hadn’t pointed us upstream first, to conserve our energy for the tough stuff at the end. And then we quit wondering. We had to use all of our strength to  paddle. Some areas were difficult. Others…impossible. More than once, we experienced the degradation of getting  pulled backward while paddling all-out. We carried the kayak over one rough spot. My husband got up and pulled me through others.

At one point, I had to laugh. My usual work-out ethic has been tempered by multiple warnings from eye care professionals that my left retina is strategically poised to spring out the instant I over-strain. As we paddled upstream, I overstrained aplenty. It’s a wonder that retina didn’t pop. I kept catching myself making bizarre, grotesque facial expressions, as though baring my lower teeth plus rolling my upper lip plus flaring my nostrils plus straining my neck was somehow going move the paddle any faster. I’m going to hazard a guess that my husband also had his moments of unnecessary energy expenditure, like those times he was paddling so hard, he had the boat rocking side to side. As we rocked, I felt useless. Worse than useless. Like unnecessary cargo that could easily jettison.

As we rowed back up the way we came, we passed other kayakers, all of them blissful, laid  back. All of them paddling downstream. They were playing. We were working. Distances easily crossable on foot appeared nearly impassable by kayak. We studied the current, strategized our route—hug the shore here, avoid the rocks there. Toward the end, we agreed to cut straight across the river, and row toward the far side of an island. We made better progress than we anticipated. There on the island was a gathering of Canadian Geese. Spectacular creatures. They looked mildly surprised to see us, but not at all threatened. Yep. We were too pathetic to spook a goose. And too tired to wield a cell phone and take an Instagram. Instead, we focused on rowing steadily to the launch point, trying to make it look as though we’d been rowing steadily, in unison, all along. Oddly enough, there was no one on the banks to witness our show of fortitude. Our kayak nosed onto land unheralded. The very nice younger man was nowhere to be found. My husband pulled the kayak inland alongside its mates and threw our life jackets in the pile and called the number for the kayak rental outfit. They were as surprised as we were that no one was there at the end point to meet us. They told him they’d call him back. A minute later, my husband got the phone call that explained all. Apparently, we weren’t supposed to have turned around—the kayak route went one way only. If we’d just continued paddling downstream, we would have quickly and effortlessly made it to the end. A very nice young lady drove out to pick us up at the launch point. She said, “You must have worked hard.” We needed to hear that. “We’re so sorry. We must not have communicated very well.” We needed to hear that, too.

For me, the trip was a victory. I hadn’t peed my pants. I hadn’t lost my retina. I hadn’t been jettisoned. My bar for victory is comfortably low.

On the drive home, my husband suggested I write a blog post about the kayak incident. He saw it as a perfect metaphor for how we are accustomed to working harder than every other couple, because we are constantly pushing back against MS.

I see a different metaphor. He and I should relax, and go with the flow.

p.s. A big thanks to all the readers who have voted for me in the #WEGOHealthAwards. If you haven’t yet, there’s still time. Follow this link.

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